slackula's Journal

how to be unpopular
i'm wondering how to stop caring about having friends or a social life. that probably sounds like i'm indulging in self-pity but what i really want is to stop feeling bad about it. i'm a pretty nice person and not unfriendly but for whatever reason friendship doesn't seem to in the cards for me at this time so i just want to get on with my life and stop thinking about it. one of the problems is that i quit smoking weed last year. of course weed makes you withdrawn and so i didn't spend much time cultivating friendships: my drug buddies and my girlfriend were about all the social life i needed. then she dumped my ass after 6 years, for being a fucking pothead of course, with its attendant fiscal irresponsibility. when i finally quit smoking she was gone and i couldn't really hang with my pot pals anymore either, but i realized that i actually wanted people in my life. i went to a.a. and other 12-step groups, which kept me from using, but i had to stop going because i don't believe in god and all the higher-power stuff was alienating; i couldn't work the steps and couldn't establish relationships with people with whom i couldn't be honest about that or who were going to give me a hard time. i quit drinking too so obviously i don't want to hang out in bars (although that's easier for me than being around weed). my biggest interest is music but most people who are into the same music as me are at least 20 years younger, while most other people in their forties are busy with kids and relationships - i clung to adolescence so long that i have a hard time relating to them. whatever their age people tell me they'd love to hang out but when i follow up it turns out they actually meant "in theory", because they really have NO time, they can maybe spare five minutes to talk on their cellphone on the way to their power yoga class or whatever. anyway i can't really deal with any more rejection so i give up.
i don't actually expect anyone to read this, and maybe if you happened on this entry at random you were wise enough to just back quietly out of the room. but to clarify, i'm not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me and offer to be my friend, i'm not looking for advice on how to meet people, i just need know how to accept, for the time being, not having a social life, or anyone to talk to or go to the movies with, without becoming a miserable antisocial crank. maybe if i concentrate on my own career and interests i'll make myself interesting enough that people will be drawn to me spontaneously. maybe hypnosis would help - people use it to quit smoking, right? i just want to feel good about being independent and autonomous, as opposed to feeling isolated and a loser.

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